Tarique Naseem

My kids local primary school has a good thing going. Every other week there’s some sort of money making scam event going on.

On the surface it all seems innocent enough; raising money for new library books, more sports equipment, that sort of thing. They do this by holding themed fun days, where the children will dress up according to the theme that day; wrong trousers, clowns, kings and queens, etc. To take part, they are requested to donate £1, presumably for the privilege of putting even more pressure on their parents as they try to find something suitable for them to wear for the day.

Now, you don’t mind doing this if it’s fairly infrequent. But every other week!? Don’t I pay taxes to the government to fund this school?

In the nursery section they have a collection box, where you are required kindly asked to put in a donation every Monday morning when you drop your kids off. Although they say it’s optional, you do get these looks from the teachers if you don’t put money in. You know, it’s that look you’d get from a Mafioso before he sticks a sharp knife in your eye.

Only the other week, they held another event. The children made some artwork, which was then put on display in the main hall for a couple of days. The idea being that the parents would turn up to view and buy their own child’s painting for £7. I’ll repeat that last bit in bold, in case you didn’t get it… We are asked to BUY our own child’s painting for £7. Does that sound a little corrupt to you?

I’m convinced now that the school is in fact run by the local Mafia as a front for their other nefarious activities. I wouldn’t at all be surprised to see Tony Soprano make a visit to collect on this weeks earnings for instance.

Easter’s coming up now, and the children have been asked to design eggs and (wait for it) donate £1 for the privilege. I have now decided to make a stand on this occasion. That £1 is staying firmly in my pocket!

I suspect, however, that I will get a visit by the nursery teachers wielding baseball bats and tommy guns. So if you don’t hear from me again, it’s been nice knowing you, capiche?

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